One of the funniest things I saw recently was Adam Ellis' portraits, where folks would send pictures to him, and he would sketch them. Never flattering, the portraits are hilarious: everyone looks incredibly seedy. You can see a bunch of his stuff here. Also here, here, and here!

Anyhow, Adam takes requests. You send him a link to a picture and some money, and he sends back a portrait that captures your soul and makes it look TERRIBLE. So I commissioned a portrait of both Randy and myself. Here's the result.

Here's me:

And here's the piece de resistance. Ladies and gentlemen, RANDY SCHMIDT!

Turns out, the guy in the blue jeans is Jeff Stafford -- a local fellow who is also THE world's go-to guy for taking your hundred-and-fifty-year-old locally-cast piece of ordnance, putting it on a new, correct, rolling mount, and restoring it to the point where you can repeatedly hit a four-inch target at two hundred yards.

The cannon Jeff was standing in front of was cast right here in Phoenixville, PA in 1862. Jeff showed us the markings on the barrel: Cannon number 379, cast by the Phoenix Iron Works in 1862. Weight: 816 pounds. Inspected by TTSL: Theodore Thaddeus Sablinsky Ladlie!

Jeff fabricated the wheels and carriage for this particular gun, including all the staves and coopering, from white oak, all to the original specifications. It's not just his hobby, it's his job! He told us that he restores (and fabricates) cannons for museums and private collectors all over the world. "I bet you have some stories!" I say, and he smiles and says "Yeah, there's some pretty colorful characters." Of course, I assume this means that he has furnished more that one evil genius's volcano lair with lovingly-recreated operational field pieces.

The three-inch ordnance rifle, in front of the Historical Society for a special event, fires a nine-inch, eleven-pound projectile. The grooves in the projectile match grooves in the barrel, spinning it for accuracy. I had never seen a cannon with functional iron sights before -- only pirate cannons and rusty curios in the park that look like they only shoot, you know… thataway.

If you happen to be reading this on Thursday, September 22nd, 2011, you can run down to downtown West Chester and meet Jeff until 6PM today, before he loads his two-thousand-pound cannon up on his trailer (by himself, with the help of a hand winch.) He's in Embreeville, and invited us over for a tour. I can't wait! More about Jeff on his website: staffordwheelandcarriage.com.

I now have not one, not two, but three apprentice announcers for the Brandywine Roller Girls, and so we need two mics to plug into the small mix panel that a great article in Five on Five magazine told me to buy.

I got the boxes around the microphone handles (called "mic flags", I learned) from B&H Photo, and had 2" die-cut stickermule stickers made for them (Stickermule is GREAT, by the way -- they use top-quality vinyl, and their preview functionality is wonderful.)

I'm deliriously happy that there's a whole announcer crew now. It's time to start inventing kung-fu announcer drills: "Announce this jam by reciting Lewis Carrol's Jabberwocky, matching your tempo, attitude, and cadence to the action of the jam! Maintain a precise distance to your cardioid microphone! GO!" I am perfectly serious when I say that my goal is to be the worst announcer in the league.

Here's some footage of what's going on with the Brandywine Roller Girls these days -- these are some rushes that Kevin Corcoran edited together from a shoot last Wednesday. Stick around for the "jam cam" footage starting at two minutes -- I can't wait to see more of this!

…and don't forget, the next bout is coming up on Saturday night, August 20th! You can buy tickets right here!

You can hear me on the microphone, announcing as "Thurston Howl III." Pictured below: what the Howl family drives to a bout (we borrowed this VW Type 181 briefly, sadly, it is not ours!)

The next Brandywine Roller Girls bout is the Back 2 Skool Brawl on August 20th. All four bouts have sold out so far. If you'd like to get your tickets, you can buy them at Brown Paper Tickets right now!

Pictured below in the bout poster (from left): the Brass Knuckle Betties' Crash Bansheekoot and BroozHer Berardi, and the Spell Razors' Kimmee Chaos and Small WoundHer. I especially like the Spell Razors' witchy bout-fits.

Start with leaf-blower hovercrafts, like the one pictured here. It's made of some plywood, some 6-mil plastic, lots of duct tape, and a hardware-store leaf blower:

The audio has been disabled on that video. If you'd like to see a version with a soundtrack, I've created a YouTube Doubler version here!

Make a couple of those hovercrafts (here's some sample plans), then add painted cardboard superstructures, just like Box Wars does for their halftime battles at Toronto Roller Derby:

Okay, so far we have hovercars. Really cool-looking ones if we paint them bright colors, maybe even fluorescent colors with the black-lights at the rink. I've ordered a case of Mr. McGroovy's Cardboard Box Rivets to help with the body construction. I'm imagining small perforated flanges screwed to the cardboard that will allow the superstructure to be securely attached. Hey, it works great in my head!

Next ingredient: Laser-tag. Roller rinks do this as a birthday-party activity. Caln Skating Center has a number of heavy, solid Tippman 98 paintball guns that have been converted to laser guns with bolt-on electronics packages. The rink also has a number of inflatable five-foot bollards that look like giant Weebles. They've lent me two guns to experiment with. The electronics are a far cry from the lazer-tag guns when I was a kid; they know WHO shot WHOM, and a gun will disable itself after its health is depleted. If you add CO2 bottles, they even have recoil(!)

Okay, enough talking. Hovercrafts, plus cardboard superstructures, plus fixed-mount laser guns, plus Brandywine Roller Girls halftime equals HOVERTANK RACING. Since we're inside, we'll use electric leaf blowers, so that makes it ELECTRIC hovertank racing. With the loud music, black lights, and fog machine, it's electric DISCO hovertank racing!

The rules? Hell, I don't even know yet:

• Maybe the hovertanks will have their power cut for five seconds when a hit is scored.
• Maybe if the tank has some momentum when being hit, the pilot will come tumbling out through the cardboard wall of the tank. That's good show-biz right there.
• Maybe we'll vote on the best-looking tank.
• Maybe the tanks will race around the track, or maybe they'll race from end to end of the rink, capture the flag style, THROUGH the audience.
• Maybe we'll fix the laser-tag guns in a locked position on the tanks, so the entire tank must be aimed, like wooden ships fighting naval engagements!

Right now, I have simple hovertank plans, and I have two 48" rounds of 1/2 plywood, and plenty of 6-mil plastic. There's a leaf blower at the rink. I'll be there for scrimmage tonight, June 15th, from 7-9 PM to watch BRG scrimmage. We may do some hovertank racing at this Saturday night's bout, depending on if enough makers come out and say "YES! I will be a part of this nebulous box-of-ingredients project!"

If that's you -- if you'd like to be one of the charter members of Chester County's very first ELECTRIC DISCO HOVERTANK RACING LEAGUE, leave a comment below! I'm thinking we need hovertank designers, hovertank captains, and hovertank pilots (people to shove these floating hockey-pucks around.) You don't have to do anything this week -- just leave a comment below, and I'll add you to a group!

Things have only gotten more amazing since then.

At a luau this weekend, inimitable salonnière ModBetty of Retro Roadmap gave me this wooden nickel, exclaiming that she had found it at a Phoenixville Historical Society flea market and thought of me. I loved the art, and I loved the instructions to remit five to earn a mysterious, quote-armored "Buffalo" Bill gift.

It wasn't until we googled up the Longhorn Ranch Glen Mills that we realized that we were holding the wooden-nickel equivalent of the Pick of Destiny. The Longhorn Ranch was a beloved western-themed restaurant where cowgirls would shoot cap guns while singing "happy birthday" to you: "Happy birthday *bang bang*!" Eric Lewis had dinner there in 1977, the night before he shipped out for a career in the submarine service. And then the restaurant was torn down to make way for... are you ready for this? For PULSATIONS. I wish I knew how to permalink to Facebook comments, because so many of the memories that folks were commenting about were so great: "I ate at the Longhorn, and then later came back to see Human League and The Fixx at that same spot!" BEHOLD THE DEEP MAGIC OF THE WOODEN NICKEL.

Okay, back to the other thread. Since my last post, I've searched for the Bicentennial Wagon Train Pilgrimage on the Internet, and found many interesting scattered pieces. But I had lots of questions about what seems to be a huge, audacious PR stunt. Who designed the wagons? Were they to "real" specifications? For God's sake, who paid for all fifty to get built? Who flew back and forth across the country in smoke-filled 1970s jet planes, organizing this huge thing?

I found, and ordered, a hardcover book on the subject, and it arrived yesterday. The frontispiece of the book declares in stamped gold foil that it is "Number 2,184 in a limited edition first printing of 2,500 hallmarked and registered copies. A gift of the MAYFLOWER CORPORATION." It is signed (with a stamp) by John B. Smith, president.

And WOW, is this book a treasure trove of information. Just to start out with, the PR company that organized the campaign, began in true focus-group style -- consulting Amish wagon makers, then wheelwrights and authors. They consulted with the Smithsonian, created a design, then awarded the contract to build fifty(!) wagons to an Arkansas firm with subcontractors all over the country. In a surprise local development, it turns out that the rubber-rimmed hickory wheels were made by the firm of Hoopes and Darlington right here in West Chester, PA -- a company that had been in business since the 1800s.

The book is organized into five sections, one for each of the wagon train routes that converged on Valley Forge. It's packed with pictures - Lydia is enjoying leafing through and looking for pictures of brown horses with white blazes.

For every question this book answers, two more present themselves to my mind. In the course of Googling, I saw that Thelma Gray, literal-and-figurative pioneer of the Philadelphia advertising community, had organized a country-wide tour called "America On the Move" with Ed McMahon, and backed by the Teamsters. It ended somewhat shakily; was this campaign, with major backing from the Mayflower corporation, a savvy way of rebooting a troubled initiative? (If so, it will only increase my respect for Thelma, who has a valid claim to have invented the product recall.)

I'm in love with the story of the Bicentennial Wagon Train Pilgrimage. What an amazing trip! I can't wait to go back to Jimmy's Barbecue in Malvern and ask Holly a whole bunch of questions. As the daughter of one of the PR firm's heads, she rode every mile of the trip, spending a whole year in a wagon. Was her dad one of the fellows who worked to make this happen? How did her dad make the transition from Philly ad-man to rootin', tootin', rawhide wagon boss?

I mean, this is a mammoth campaign; this isn't like one of those "Vikings attack Penn's Landing" events that turns out to be five potbellied dudes in a rowboat (I still remember that particular disappointment from sixth grade, and I am still bitter.) This is a wagon train re-enactment that's the same scope as the original. I love to imagine neatly-pressed interns, fresh from reading "Ogilvy on Advertising", trying to find someone to shoe a Morgan horse at 2AM, scowling around a soggy Marlboro, wishing cellphones had been invented already. There's a movie in here, and it's a movie I very much want to see!

Once I'm done reading every word in this book, I'll ask the West Chester Public Library if they'd be willing to keep it in their collection, so y'all can see it too.

Good God almighty, what is the next amazing thing that wooden nickels will reveal? I can't wait to find out!

Here's Koach Hot Wheels briefing the BRG skaters before the scrimmage. They're looking pretty tough: a friend at work said "They look like they're getting ready to go to Bin Laden's house. A couple of them told me "What I was actually thinking 'OMG we're gonna be hitting strangers for the first time!'").

The Diamond State skaters were tall, fast, and tough, in pink T-shirts with Chaplin moustaches painted on their faces. During their warmups, I saw skaters with their skates wi-i-i-ide apart, carving back and forth like they were trying to screw their boots into the hardwood floor. I met their coach, Axl Rolls, and a few of their NSOs ("Non-Skating Officials"), who were kind enough to come and help with BRG's first bout in April.

BRG's photographer, Randy "Papa Razzi" Litwin, was there, on skates, and as the warmups began, he was out there rolling around the outside of the track, often skating backwards and looking sideways (looking sideways through a zoom lens with one eye, even.) He told me that he really enjoys taking photos at the Christiana Skating Center because there's a lot of light (lots more than at Caln), and that the reflective floor helps, too.

Here's number 9, Skinny Guinea, warming up around the fourth corner. The way you score points in derby is that one skater -- the "Jammer", with a star on her helmet -- laps the pack of skaters, and earns a point for every skater on the opposing team she passes. In the pack, it's a team sport. Blockers try to get their own jammer through the pack, and stop the opposing team's jammer. Conversely, blockers also try to foil the other team's plans.

So the whole game is a combination of long, sweeping strides while the jammers lap the pack, straight-up speed skating, and then scrums while each team works together and with their jammer.

In this picture, Number A55, KickAsh, is in the green helmet. She's managed to pull number 1/2 pt, Small WoundHer, out of the pack, and is trying to bring her around safely to the outside so she can finish her scoring pass.

Meanwhile, the Diamond State skater closest to the camera is gathering herself up for a hit. I think what's about to happen is that KickAsh is about to pull WoundHer to the inside while she freaking blasts the opposing blocker off the track.

And that's where the sumo comes in. I'm not making a stupid crack about body types -- sumo is all about power: staying grounded, then exploding out and upwards. Modern derby skaters aren't allowed to use their arms to hit. There's no tripping, no elbows, no pushing. The hits are all straightforward body checks using momentum. No matter who hits whom, it seems like the lower, steadier skater always keeps rolling while the other skater goes flying. I saw a lot of clean, hard hits last night, and I understood what the DSRG skaters were doing with that wi-i-ide sumo stance: once Diamond State's "tank" got planted in position, it seemed like she was rooted to the floor, not rolling along on ball bearings.

The Brandywine Roller Girls skaters worked together really, really well together as a team. They listen to each other, they listen to their coach, and they try really hard. I'm learning a lot about the sport, and I'm having a great time. The next bout is Saturday night, May 21st, and I'll be announcing. See you there!]]> tag:www.tikaro.com,2011://1.860 2011-05-09T15:30:11Z 2011-05-09T15:30:12Z

I'll post pictures and more impressions of the evening, but first I wanted to quickly get this up -- tickets for the first full match on May 21st are now available to skaters and officials. As the BRG's proud announcer, I have access to tickets, and they will sell out. If you put your name, email, and number of tickets you'd like into the Google Docs form below, I'll make sure to set that many aside for you!

This is just a handy way for me to know how many tickets I should get from the league -- you're not making an ironclad commitment, and you won't be paying now. Basically, this is just a "Hey John, save me some tickets" list.

See you there!

Tonight, head referee Tommy Gears (on the right) was teaching two new refs: Joey Shears and Wild Wild Wes (left and center), about penalties. There's back blocks, where a skater pushes the skater in front. There's elbows, forearms, tripping, there's cutting the track; there's all kinds of stuff to watch for. It's hard to see what's happening -- there are so many people, so many elbows being thrown. "Tommy, when can I make the call? How can I be sure I saw-"

"Make that call loud and proud, fellows!" I heard Tommy saying to them. "Just remember: Black and White is Always Right!"

Inspired by Mr. Simo's BoomCases, (and preceded by the fellows at Hive76), I took apart a Roland Mobile Cube and reassembled it inside an old fabric-and-pine Singer Featherweight sewing-machine carrying case that Kate found by the side of the road.

This is not a very complex hack (Step 1: make a hole in the box! Step 2: Put your junk in that box!), but it's very practical — the Mobile Cube is set up for batteries or DC power, it takes a wide variety of inputs, and there's various reverb knobs to twiddle.

PLUS, I can put my roller-derby announcer microphone inside the case. And a music source! So the whole thing becomes a self-contained, er... something! It'll also look good strapped to the luggage rack of the sidecar.

Plus, it's loud. REALLY loud. Bolting the speakers into a pine box seemed to take an already-loud amp at make it even louder. I'm really excited!